Distant
The boy sneered at her before lunging forward. His
larger frame and momentum pushed them back until she
found herself on the ground. She was quick in her
attempt to regain footing, but it was only an attempt.
Before she could block, his fist connected with her
cheek.
The world became dark.
It took her a few moments to come around again. The
world spun around her. She fought to bring it into
focus.
The boy took the opportunity to smear mud produced by
the previous night's storm on her uniform, hair, and
face. Feebly she batted him away to no effect.
She cleared the mud from her eyes. A cool hateful
glare met his cocky posturing.
They laughed at her. Everyone laughed at her. They
teased about how the mighty had fallen. Didn't she
look pretty in her dress now? The blonde haired
princess.
She didn't ask for their words. She never said these
things they accused her of.
Tears mixed with the rain that began to fall again.
The victor kicked mud on her before turning away.
"I beat you. I *beat* you...."
She awoke with a fast beating heart.
"It was just a dream. Just a dream." She took deep
breaths and continued to tell herself that. She swung
her legs over the side of the bed. Shaky hands
scrubbed her face then combed back her sweat soaked
hair.
"Shimatta," she cursed softly. It wasn't a dream, it
was a memory.
She pushed herself off her bed and went to the bathroom.
A hot shower helped to clear away the chilling grips of
the dream. She leaned her head against the tiles,
letting the water pour on her like it had that day.
She had been spending too much time remembering as of
late.
"Shimatta," she hit her fist against the tiles in
frustration.
Try as she might, she couldn't stop from remembering
the rest of that God forsaken day.
She ran. She ran with no desire to ever stop. Behind
her she had left her hurt, her shame, her *chains*.
It was that day that she had decided to stop trying to
live up to other peoples expectations for her.
That day she became Ten'ou Haruka.
********************
Distant
by Greenbeans
********************
She unpacked the last of her few things. She had
rented this apartment two days prior. It was spacious
for a single person with a view that justified the
extravagant cost. It was the view that had convinced
her. She loved to watch the sky above her, as though
it were a part of her.
After putting the last books into place, she walked
over to the large windows that overlooked Tokyo. She
sat down on one the of windows' deep ledges and tucked
her knees underneath her chin. Already she had decided
that this would be her thinking spot.
"Why am I here?"
The question begged to be answered on several levels.
None of the answers were easy ones to come to, or accept
if she did manage to reach a conclusion.
Literally, she was here, in the Ten'ou Tower, because
after years of never fitting in at home she finally
left. Their was more to it than that, for her story
wasn't that simple. Nothing seemed simple for her.
-----
"Ruka-chan, what happened?!"
Her father called over a lad to finish serving the
customer he was with. He lifted the counter flap so
that she could come back to his office. She followed
him past the mixers, ovens, and bakers that had
occupied so much of her father's time.
The fight occurred after school had let out. She was
being teased again about what a proper and perfect
young lady she was.
That was something that her mother had started. She
didn't care at all for the effort or attention it
required to be as ladylike as her mother desired.
Everyone teased her about how she was a little princess.
Going to grow up to be just like her mother. Her
mother was a public official who considered her image
to be everything. Haruka was often seen as a tarnish
to that image. Her mother feared that Haruka would
affect how others viewed her, so she was forced to
conform.
Being like her mother was the furthest thing from what
she wanted. She couldn't make them understand that,
and she lacked the patience to explain. Tempers
flared -- well, hers at least. It was over before it
started. The boy was larger, stronger, faster than her.
She didn't stand a chance against him.
After that, she ran home. She ran as fast as her legs
would carry her. No one was around this time of day.
Grabbing a clean set of clothes from her room along the
way, she went to the bath to clean up. It had taken her
forever to get all the mud out of her long sandy blonde
hair.
She could hide the bruises on her knees and elbows, but
not the bright shiner that was beginning to take shape
on her face. As to her choice of which parent got to
see it first, her father would be the more understanding.
Washed up and dressed in her favorite shirt and breeches,
she walked the short distance to his bakery. Many times
she had been scolded by her mother that it was dangerous
for little girls to walk alone like this. But her father
never complained when she showed up looking for a snack
or hug. Afterwards, he would send one of his assistants
to walk her home. She didn't mind since often a goodie
would accompany her as well.
Her father picked her up and placed her on the chair at
his desk. His office was cramped and only allowed room
for two if they were close. He brushed aside a few
strands of hair to get a better look at her face. She
didn't try to hide the mark behind her hair. Once
washed, it was returned to its customary braid.
"Fighting again?" His voice was soft with understanding.
She looked at the floor.
A finger was placed under her chin. He lifted her face
gently so that she could see his eyes. They were a green
that matched her own. "Your mother will be disappointed
to hear that. Were the boys teasing you again?"
She nodded, his finger still bracing her chin.
He carefully pulled her from his chair, lifting her up,
seating himself down with her in his lap. He put both
arms around her in a loose hug. She curled up into a
ball and snuggled against him. Once they were both
settled, he spoke again in his gentle baritone.
"Ruka-chan, we've had this talk before. You can't let
the boys words get to you. Words can sting you and
annoy you, but they cannot harm you like a fist can.
You understand the difference?"
"Yes, Father," she answered quietly.
"Your mother and I try very hard to protect you from
the people who wish to harm you, but we cannot always
be there. Sometimes, you must protect yourself. The
best way to do that is to be smarter than those who
wish to cause you harm."
"Yes, Father," she laid her head on his chest and let
his words sooth her.
He again pushed back her few loose bangs and hugged her.
"We love you, Ruka-chan. We never want to see you hurt.
It worries us when you are, so please be careful."
"Yes, Father," she mumbled before finally drifting off
to sleep.
-----
Haruka squinted at the sun that now faced her. Looking
at the wall clock, she was dismayed to learn that she
had spent a good two hours staring out the window. She
stood up from the ledge and stretched out her long body.
She had wanted to spend today exploring her new
surroundings. It was warm enough out that a jacket
would have been unbearable. Once she reached the
lobby she inquired to where a good cafe was. After
her walk, she would go check it out.
Outside the door, she straightened her tie before
heading in a southerly direction. As always, the
people she shared the sidewalk with gave her a wide
berth. Why this happened, she wasn't quite sure; it
could have been her unusual height or dominating
demeanor. Whatever it was, she was thankful for it
because it allowed her to move along with more speed.
Speed... that's what she desired the most. To go fast
and to leave all this behind her. But she couldn't do
that, not yet, but soon...
That was her dream. Her move to this area had
lengthened her commute to the race track, but that
wouldn't decrease her frequency of visits. It had taken
her years worth of effort to attain her privileged
position as a driver for the team. It was the thing
that she valued above all else.
She strolled past most of the small shops she came
across. The exception was an open air fruit stand,
where she bought an apple to snack on.
Not far past the fruit stand did the buildings that had
lined her path fall away in favor of a park. Taking
another bite from the fruit in hand, she decided to
explore the park now instead of later. It had been a
while since she had last walked through lush grasses
for the sake of doing it.
The warm day had encouraged people to come outdoors.
'So these are my new neighbors,' she thought
distractedly while watching some children play on the
swings, slides, and other equipment that was provided.
She leaned up against a tree to watch them play. A
small, rueful smile crossed her lips. This is how
life was supposed to have been.
-----
She bowed her head in apparent acceptance of her
mother's words, but on the inside she burned. Her
mother was outraged after learning of this latest
scrape and hadn't bothered to hide it.
It wasn't her fault that the boys teased her. She
didn't even *like* wearing the dresses her mother
forced upon her. She was being punished from both
sides in what could almost be considered a conspiracy
to make her life miserable.
Bitter tears slipped down her cheeks before she was
dismissed. She returned to her room and sulked.
Tears silently fell as she listened to her mother's
continuing anger in the family room.
"You should be more patient with her," her father's
low voice soothed.
"Patient? How many times does this make? You expect
patience when she continues to rough it up at school?"
Haruka bit down on her pillow to relieve some of her
anger. It wasn't her fault! Why couldn't she see
that? *She* was the one that was causing her problems.
If she were allowed to just be herself, she could
handle the guys. She was afraid to act in most cases
because of the dress she was in and her mother's anger
at seeing yet *another* one ruined because of her 'hot
temper.'
She laughed to herself in disgust. It was easy to see
where she had acquired that from.
"Ruka-chan has a wild spirit like her grandfather. Age
and experience will tame her."
It was an often used defense that had grown thin long
ago. The response she expected didn't come forth.
Instead, a new, more dreaded answer followed.
"I will tame her wild spirit. I always wanted a
daughter, and, by God, I will have her!"
Her heart froze. Oh, God, she looked around her room
like a caged animal. She wanted to scream in fear.
There was nothing that repulsed her more than that
very idea.
Why wouldn't her mother let her be? She wasn't that
hard of a person to understand. She had always been
clear with her feelings. But her mother didn't want
that... She didn't want *her*.
Dejectedly, she flopped onto her bed. Her mother
didn't want her. She wanted some other person that
was a perfect lady, never got into a fight, and
received perfect marks in school.
She had tried, oh, how she had tried! Her best efforts
always fell short somehow. It seemed that her grades
were never quite high enough, though she consistently
ranked within the top five on tests. She tried to act
as her mother had dictated was proper, but it wasn't
natural for her; thus it was a struggle.
The door to her room opened suddenly. Her mother stood
before her with a disapproving look to her. She
grimaced at her before saying, "I will be picking you
up from school tomorrow, don't make me wait."
She eyed her. Haruka could feel her disapproval at her
breeches and shirt. "That will soon be taken care of as
well," she said to herself while continuing to examine
her daughter like a work of art that she didn't care
for. She sighed and closed the door to her room.
-----
"Hey, mister, will you please toss us back our ball?"
Haruka looked around her before spotting the soccer
ball nearby. She knelt over and picked the ball up with
her right hand. A fleeting image of her long fingers
gripping the ball passed though her mind before she
tossed it over to the young boy.
She continued her interrupted stroll. This was a
beautiful park, but she wasn't in the mood to enjoy it.
There was an open bench near the central fountain. She
sat down and laid her arms on the back rest while
watching the water dance before her.
People on walks passed between her and the fountain.
As they passed by, she would catch snippets of their
conversations.
Two school girls came near.
"So what was it like?" One asked excitedly.
"Well, it hurts, but only for a moment," her companion
answered.
"I wish my mom would let me get my ears pierced..."
they continued walking.
Haruka fought back the urge to follow them and point
out how much it did hurt. She glowered at the water
before her. 'Why people pay to have someone injure
them, I will never understand.' She looked to the girls
again.
The one girl was admiring the other. 'Baka...'
-----
Haruka stood outside the gates to her school and waited
patiently for her mother. She soon arrived in the
family car. She crawled into the front seat and
buckled in. Her mother hadn't even greeted her.
They drove in silence to their destination.
Haruka's eyes widened slightly in appreciation of the
size of the mall her mother took them to. She held
onto her mother's hand for fear of becoming lost in
such a huge and crowded place. She led them past
several stores before she took them into one.
Haruka glanced around her in the jewelry store with
mild interest.
"Come on, Ruka-chan." Her attention returned to her
mother as she was sat up onto a chair.
The lady that her mother had been speaking to came over
to them with a pleasant smile. Haruka furrowed her
brows and looked around her again. Something didn't
seem right here.
The lady continued to smile as she slipped on a pair of
gloves. She opened up a small drawer and took out a
device with a trigger that resembled a gun in some ways.
Her eyes bulged wide at the sudden realization of what
was about to occur.
She tried to squirm out of the seat, but her mother held
tight onto her hand. "Ruka-chan, behave."
"Mother, I'm scared. Don't make me do this," she pleaded.
Her only way out would be if she could convince her that
this was a bad idea.
"Oh?" The lady stopped cleaning her lobes to ask. "It
will only sting for a moment. Then you will look like
a pretty young lady," she smiled.
She cried a little in fear. It wasn't the actual act
that scared her, it was what it symbolized. She didn't
want to a 'pretty young lady'. And if she did, having
her ears pierced didn't make the difference, it was
what was on the inside that mattered. The Sunday
school teacher had taught them that.
She continued to try to get out of the chair, but her
mother firmly held her in. The lady tried to calm her,
but it was no use. Finally, with one hand she firmly
held onto her chin while with the other she placed the
gun. "Please stay still or I may hurt you."
She froze, but it was from the fear that she did so.
Horrified, time slowed to a crawl as she watched the
lady pulling the trigger. There was a click and a
stinging in her ear coinciding with it.
The lady pulled back to reload the gun. Haruka's heart
sunk to her shoes. Her mind refused to accept the
twisted idea of what just happened to her.
She was in a mild state of shock; her will to fight
diminished. The opening was taken and her other ear
done quickly. The lady smiled proudly and turned her
around to face a mirror. She saw these 'improvements',
but her mind repulsed the idea. She closed her eyes
and refused to accept it. The urge to throw up nearly
overwhelmed her.
Her mother pulled her from the chair and smiled happily.
"Don't you look proper now?" She beamed.
Haruka didn't answer.
-----
"You hurt me. You hurt me in ways that you wouldn't
understand..." she murmured softly. The girls were
gone, along with the afternoon. It was nearly dinner
time and she had gotten nothing accomplished today.
She stood up from the bench and made her way to the
cafe. The brisk pace she maintained helped to clear
her mind of all the random thoughts that plagued her.
She was unfocused, and it frustrated her.
The cafe was a warm, friendly looking place. She sat
down at a booth and waited to the served. A girl in
her teens with auburn hair took her order, then
quickly returned with the coffee she had requested.
'Snap out of it, Haruka,' she scolded herself. She had
a lot to do tomorrow that she could have gotten started
on today if she hadn't putzed about. She needed to go
by the track and check on her car. There was a race
coming up this weekend.
That and getting ready for school, she reminded herself.
She had registered at Mugen Gakuen, but she had yet to
pick up her uniforms or books. The prospect of the new
school year was met with indifference. School was just
another way that her time was spent. She would have
rather spent it working on her racer, but she didn't
have a choice in the matter.
In fact, a fair number of her past difficulties could
probably be traced back to her having too much time on
her hands. Admittedly, once she began running in track,
the opportunities for her to get into a scrape decreased.
She had wanted to play baseball as well for her former
school, but they wouldn't allow a girl on a guys' team.
It was a policy that both her and the coach bristled at
since she had already proven to be a skilled pitcher.
-----
"Haruka? Haruka?" She heard her father calling for her
as he walked up the path to the field near the housing
project. This was the place where the guys came to play
baseball games between the different buildings of the
project.
She smiled slightly. It had taken her a bit to convince
the boys of her building to allow her to play with them,
but once she had, they didn't regret it. She was a
daemon on the pitching mound while looking like a 'tame
little girl' as a boy from another team had put it. The
other teams would snicker at the thought of her being
good. Their laughing would stop once they were reseated
on their half of the field sulking about being struck
out by a girl.
She had won the respect of her team members and was
slowly gaining the respect of her opposition as well.
The thought brought a smile to her lips.
Her father stopped short of the diamond and waited for
her patiently. She smiled at him for allowing her to
finish pitching the inning. Her smile turned to a smirk
as she wound up for the next pitch. The ball flew right
past the boy that had dared to challenge it.
Two more pitches flew with likewise results. Her team
cheered at her success in winning another game for them.
The boys mobbed her on the mound and patted her on the
back. Her father also walked out to the mound. The
boys cleared away to return to their own parents and
dinner.
He knelt down to her level before hugging her. He then
picked her up and carried her with him. "You pitch
well," he complimented.
"Thank you for showing me that pitch," she grinned.
"I put it to good use today!" She smiled even more and
hugged him.
"You're welcome, Ruka-chan. How did your day with your
mother go?"
Her smile faded. "Papa..." she whispered softly before
hugging him tightly.
"Haruka?" He stopped walking and looked at her
concerned.
She was almost on the verge of tears.
"What's wrong?" He asked gently. She sniffled a
little and told him about what happened at the jewelry
store. He listened patiently, as he always did, until
she was finished spilling her sorrows to him.
"I'm sorry you feel that way," he murmured. He held
her chin and examined her. He smiled slightly at her.
"I know that you don't want to hear this, but you do
look good."
She grimaced at his compliment. He laughed at her
expression and hugged her. "Ruka-chan, you shouldn't
be so sensitive. I know that you don't like to think
in terms of 'pretty' or 'ladylike', but don't confuse
that with looking sharp. I think that you look just
fine with your ears pierced and that has nothing to do
with your mother's motives. It fits the build of your
face well." He continued walking.
She mulled over his words, seeing the logic in them.
Her father was always good at logic, he put everything
in simple, easy to understand terms. There *was* a
difference between being 'girlish' and looking good,
she decided. Well then, she didn't care about the
girlish, but she had nothing against looking good.
The stupid boys were just that. They hadn't missed
the difference and had teased her some about it. They
didn't go too far in fear that she would refuse to
pitch if they did. But they didn't matter. What
mattered was what she thought of herself.
She hugged her father silently as he carried her into
their apartment.
-----
Haruka smiled slightly at the waitress as she set down
her meal; her anger from earlier today nearly forgotten.
She wondered if the coach at this new school would allow
her to play on the baseball team.
"Do you know anything about Mugen Gakuen?" She asked
the girl before she left.
"The Academy in the Delta District? I hear that it is
an elite school. You have to place very well on the
entrance exams to even be considered for admission. It
teaches mostly advanced courses. A challenge for anyone
who can get in," she nodded to emphasize her point.
Haruka doubted that she would even be considered if she
did have the grades.
The girl confirmed this when she continued. "I wouldn't
even try for admittance. The standards are just too
high for me and most people," she smiled.
"Thank you," Haruka looked to the meal before her.
She wasn't really that hungry, but she had missed
lunch today and needed to eat.
Definitely track, she decided. Sports were a good
distraction. They were easy for her. Too easy most
of the time, but occasionally a worthy opponent would
present themselves. She valued those few that provided
her with a challenge. They were to be treasured for
their rarity.
She left the cafe and a good tip with the waitress.
Slowly, she worked her way back to her home in the
Ten'ou Tower. The winds tossed her hair about,
played with it, defying her to keep it tame.
She didn't even try.
She enjoyed the breezes. The sensation of the winds
through her hair was like that of a caress by a gentle
lover. She longed for it.
Without knowing why, or even really caring, she had
always felt as though she was the wind personified.
Her life held many strong gales of resistance spattered
with storms that threatened to destroy her. But it was
also gentle sometimes, playfully teasing her to look
deeper, to find more -- a promise, a kiss... she was
the wind.
*****
She woke up before the alarm went off. Today was going
to be a good day she felt. She stretched out, then went
in for a shower. It would have been a good morning for
a bath, but she didn't have the time for that. She
needed to get down to the race track.
A quick breakfast was eaten while riding down the
elevator.
In the garage she smiled slightly at the sight of her
motorcycle. Lightly she ran a finger across its body
before mounting. It was probably going to be warm again
today, but that didn't stop her from wearing her leathers.
The bike roared to life. With gloves and helmet in place,
she took off for the track.
"Good morning, Ten'ou-san," the head mechanic, Yamagata,
called to her as she pulled up.
"Good morning," she answered politely. "How is the car
coming?"
"She's purring like a kitten," he proclaimed proudly.
"She'll do you right, just you see."
She patted him on the back. "I'm sure she will carry
me to victory lane."
"That she will," he nodded. "Come take a look at this
modification to the fuel pump. I think it will..."
-----
'A little older, a little wiser,' the new school year
had began poorly for her, or, more precisely, poorly
for her mother. She had grown an impressive amount
since last year. So much so that there were no female
uniforms that would fit her.
She had been thrilled when the school decided to issue
her male uniforms instead, but she kept that to herself.
Her mother had tried everything short of sewing her
uniforms herself to get the females' uniforms for her.
For now, there was nothing that could be done about it.
She *did* have to go to school after all, even if it
meant wearing the guys' uniform.
She pulled on a blazer over top of the dress shirt and
tie that her mother despised so much. Happy with what
she wore, she ran out to the family room for breakfast.
Her mother had left for work early this morning, as
usual, but her father was still here.
"Good morning, Ruka-chan," he greeted as she came into
the room. "Well, aren't you looking fine today?" He
teased gently.
She had noticed that he had been complimenting her more
often on her choices for clothing whether her mother
cared for the outfit or not. At first, it had always
caused her to blush whenever he said something kind.
But now she found herself trying to come up with
something new that he might like.
She didn't care what her mother's opinion was, that had
been established long ago. Her father's, on the other
hand, was welcome because there might be some insight or
idea that she had never thought of before. It made her
seek out his advice and long to hear his words of praise.
Haruka smiled at him and pulled her tie straight. "I
like this uniform better than the girl's one," she
admitted while sitting down at the table.
"I don't doubt that you do." He had prepared a western
style breakfast this morning. She couldn't get used to
the amounts of sugar that westerners poured on their
foods, but she did like rolled pancakes with a light
coating of jam to give it taste.
He joined her at the table. Together, they bowed their
heads to say a word of thanks before their meal.
"Enjoy it while you can," he said while spreading jam
onto his pancake. "As soon as we can get some uniforms
that are the right size, you are switching back."
"Yes, father," she replied obediently between bites.
He smiled at her. "I shouldn't let you wear breeches
as often as I do. You realize that distresses your
mother to no end. She's got the notion that I'm
raising you to be a boy."
Haruka was slightly startled at this sudden admission.
Her father had always been honest with her whenever she
asked a question. But there were always questions that
she didn't dare ask. There were things that she knew
by instinct, an unspoken understanding, not to ask,
that he was bringing to the light.
"I'm not a boy," she replied carefully.
"Of course you're not, Ruka-chan!" He laughed
hesitantly. "Perhaps I didn't phrase myself clearly.
Your mother thinks that I am raising you to be like a
boy since you do not have a brother to carry on the
bakery."
She thought about it. "Do you want me to carry on the
bakery?"
"What I want isn't important, I've made the decisions
of what my life is going to be. You still have those
decisions lying in wait before you. So the question
is: 'Do you want to carry on the bakery?'"
She turned away from him to focus on her meal. What did
she want to do with her life? Many of her classmates
wanted to become doctors, or musicians, but what did she
want to do? She'd never thought about it before.
A different idea hit her. It was a question that had
been disturbing her for the last several months.
Perhaps now was the time to get an answer.
"I don't know, Father," she answered his question.
"But I do have a question for you. Before I was born,
and you still didn't know, did you want me to be a boy
or a girl?"
It was the first time she had ever seen a startled look
on her father's face. Her question had taken him off
guard. He quickly composed himself again and smiled at
her. "I wanted *you*, Haruka. I didn't care if you
were male or female. All I wanted was to hold the sweet
child in my arms and admire the life I had helped bring
into this world."
"Do you love me?" She whispered uncertainly.
She got to see him startled a second time. Today was
definitely one for rare things. He rose from the chair
he was seated in to kneel next to her. He took her
hands into his own before speaking softly to her.
"There are three that I love: the Lord, your mother,
and you. Don't ever think that I will stop loving you.
No matter what kind of trouble you get in. I gave a
part of myself to you when you were born. That is
something that can never be taken away."
"Oh, Papa." She put her arms around his neck and
hugged him. So often it felt like she was facing the
world alone. But if he loved her, supported her, she
knew that she could stand up to those that wanted to
see her fail.
He hugged her back as well. "No matter what, we love
you," he repeated as she wept softly onto his shoulder.
It had been of greater concern to her than she had
realized. After her tears were spent, she wiped her
eyes onto his shoulder and pulled away.
She sat back in her chair and expected her father to
return to his, but he didn't. Instead, he left her
alone at the table to return a few moments later. She
tried to turn around to see him since he was right
behind her. Instead, she saw a brief flash of gold as
he placed something around her neck.
He fastened the delicate chain after moving her braid
out of the way. She looked down at the necklace to see
a gold cross bright in the morning sunlight.
"What's this?" She asked softly. It was a beautiful
piece. Simple. It didn't scream for attention, but
was nonetheless there.
"Something that your grandfather wanted you to have
before he passed away. He asked me to give it to you
when you were ready. I believe that today is that day."
He knelt down to her level again. "Do you think that
you are ready?"
She looked down at the cross before answering in a
whisper. "Yes, Father."
"Haruka, you will always be loved by someone. Never
doubt that fact." He hugged her once more before
returning to his meal.
-----
"See it?"
"Yeah... just a little bit... ah, got it," Haruka
leaned back from the engine she had been working on.
She wiped her brow off with the back of her hand.
Yamagata checked over her work. "You don't need to do
this, you know. You just need to get the car around to
track as fast as possible. It doesn't say anywhere in
your contract that you need to work on the car also."
He grinned at her. It was an often heard jibe.
"I like working on the cars I drive in. I know that
you could do it quicker and better, but I still want
to help. I want to learn." She wiped the tools she
had been using off with a shop towel before putting
them away.
"That's what makes you different than the other drivers.
It's no wonder that you're popular with the mechanics."
He gestured to the others in the shop.
"And I don't mind testing the cars for them."
He laughed at her lopsided smile. It was true. Most
drivers didn't like doing the testing. Haruka simply
liked to drive. It didn't matter if it were in a
race, though her mentality was certainly differed if
it were, she just wanted to speed about the course.
It often reminded him of his own days as a driver.
She was a good kid. Enthusiastic. Smart. Quick.
Talented. He had nearly adopted her as his own. She
had started as the 'pet' of the shop. A go-for. But
she had charmed her way into better things. Oh, yes,
she had done just that. He had seen her use that
smile on others and had fallen victim to it himself.
One couldn't help but to be drawn to her. She was like
a flame to a moth. Impossible to explain what brought
you close, but its pull was just as difficult to resist.
Funny that. She was a quiet girl. Didn't speak much
of her family. At first, he had thought that she
didn't have one because she was always here. Then,
after several months of her hanging about, her father
finally came looking for her. He seemed like a nice
enough man. He could see where Haruka had gotten her
looks and mild tone from.
He'd never seen her mother. Once he asked her why.
His heart almost broke at the answer. She'd been
working on a car right then. She'd dropped her
wrench at the very mention of her mother. The only
thing she would say was that she 'wasn't interested'.
It was a simple statement that could have easily meant
that she didn't enjoy racing. But he got the feeling
that their was more than that. Also to imply that her
mother wasn't interested in her.
From that day forth, he was an advocate of Ten'ou Haruka.
He knew that she also held the rest of the crew's
support whether she realized it or not. He knew her
well enough that she wouldn't call upon their loyalty
to her, even if she needed it. She was one who wanted
to face the storms on her own. Not fiercely independent,
more like she blamed herself for the storm's coming and
felt responsible for handling it herself.
It was a crazy way to look at things, but he knew she
saw things in that light. He tried to support her as
discreetly as he could. She wouldn't accept an
outstretched hand in and of itself, but there were ways
to hide it.
Haruka lived for what happened here in this garage. He
like her attitude, but it wasn't necessarily healthy for
a lass her age to not have any friends. In all his time
of knowing her, she had never brought someone by to meet
the team. Not a female friend, and certainly not a
boyfriend.
He wondered about that a little. There were plenty of
young handsome men out on the circuit that she could
have gotten a crush on. He would have even supported
her developing a relationship with one of them while
maintaining the secret of her sex if she had wanted.
But she didn't want any of them. He had once
off-handily pointed one lad that he was fond of out
to her. She looked at him, shook her head, and
walked away.
This worried him, but there was nothing to be done.
If she wasn't interested, she wasn't interested. He
would have felt better if she were, but it wasn't his
choice.
He contented himself with supporting her when she would
let him past those barriers that guarded the true
Ten'ou Haruka from the world at large. He would never
know what caused her to close up so tightly. It must
have been a deep hurt. Those rare times that she would
let something slip or she would make some off comment
he valued because of her trust in him. She didn't give
that to many people.
-----
It was a nice day outside. Too bad she was stuck
indoors where she didn't want to be. She sighed softly
and pulled her attention back to her subject of study.
Lightly, she placed her fingers upon the keyboard before
her and played the exercise she had been performing once
more.
It was boring, it was slow, and she hated it. This was
another one of her mother's wonderful ideas to make her
into a proper 'lady'. She didn't see how playing the
piano made someone a lady. If that were true, than her
mother wasn't a lady, along with most of her friends.
She snickered at the thought.
"Haruka, you're playing too quick for the set tempo,
slow down," her teacher scolded. That was her biggest
problem. She unconsciously tried to speed the pieces
up. They were, for the most part, bland exercises.
She wanted to play something with a beat, something
fast. But no, she was stuck playing scales and other
equally lacking pieces.
"Haruka," the teacher warned. She returned her
attention to the exercise.
The teacher watched with an impartial expression.
After she finished, the teacher nodded. "Very well,
that will be all for today. Please practice the pieces
on pages 15-20 for next time."
"Yes, ma'am." She picked her music up from the stand
and placed it into a folder. She left the small room
to go outside and wait to be picked up.
She really didn't dislike piano lessons. They were
easy for her, like most things were. She despised the
motives behind them though. The more her mother pushed,
the more she wanted to rebel. It wasn't a very
diplomatic way to handle things, but that's what she
was feeling.
Her father had been a blessing to her during these
times of trial. Nowadays, her mother was nearly
unbearable to be around, but her father continued to
support her. It was for him that she was patient and
continued to play. The teacher had told her that she
had talent, but she didn't care. This was nothing she
was going to take on with her to later life, it was
merely something to past the time with.
-----
"Ten'ou-san!" One of the apprentice mechanics called
to her as she walked to her bike. She stopped walking
to allow him to catch up with her.
"Hiyama-kun," she greeted politely. He wasn't much
older than her, only a year or two, but she treated
everyone on the team with equal respect. Even the
Americans, who squirmed at the use of honorific
suffixes.
"Ah," he fidgeted a little before saying his piece.
"I know that you recently moved to the Delta District.
My family is from that area. I was wondering if I
could perhaps help you become more acquainted with
your new home? Show you around some?"
She put a hand on his shoulder. "It's kind of you to
offer, but I think I've got it handled." She smiled
slightly.
She continued to her bike. With a wave, she sped off.
Back at the garage, Yamagata was cursing her refusal of
Hiyama's offer. He knew where he was from. He realized
that the lad had a crush on the tall girl for a while
now. He thought that she might go for the idea out of
practical reasons, and it might develop into something
more.
"Dammit, girl! You're too proud, too distant." He
shoved a shop towel into his pocket in frustration
before getting back to work.
-----
She left the office of the child psychologist more than
a little confused. Her father was waiting for her in
the lobby. She came up to him and hugged him.
She had cried. She hated it when she cried. This man
had brought forth her tears in full stream. He had hit
too many raw nerves for her not to let her frustrations
out.
Her mother had insisted that she be taken to this man.
She didn't say it outright, but she knew that she
wanted to know what was 'wrong' with her. She told the
man that too.
In her opinion, there was nothing 'wrong' with her.
They just didn't understand her. It caused her even
more frustration because she tried to be as clear with
them as she could. They didn't want to see the truth,
so they kept on looking for excuses.
^^^^^
"I have spoken with Haruka." The psychologist had
scheduled an appointment with her parents for the
following day. Haruka was not present since it would
be easier for him to discuss her prognosis without her
being there.
"Do you know what's wrong with her, doctor?" Her
mother asked.
He bowed his head slightly. So it was as the girl had
said. He changed his plan for discussing the subject
with them. She was going to be the difficult one.
Haruka trusted her father, but she watched her mother
with a wary eye.
"There is nothing 'wrong' with her. In fact, she is a
very bright young girl. I would come to expect great
things from her *if* she is given the room to grow."
"We want what's best for her. Please, what do you
recommend." Her father was placid, as she had
described him, and seemed to have a true interest in
her well being.
"First, let me address your concerns regarding her.
Haruka could be described as 'tomboyish'. That is why
you brought her here. It is simply the way she is,
and will probably grow up to be. You cannot force her
to be more feminine. She will fight you and then
resent you for it.
"What she needs the most is your support of her. Like
I mentioned, she is an intelligent girl, but she is
lacking some in her social skills. Instead of trying
to force her into a mold, try to encourage her gently
in the direction you want her to grow.
"You *do* influence how she sees the world. Right now,
that view isn't too happy. Do you realize how much you
have hurt her?" He turned to her mother. He tried to
avoid confrontations of this type, but the girl was the
victim in this case.
"Me? I've only done what I've thought best for her,"
she defended.
He nodded. "I apologize."
He looked from one parent to the other. Her mother
was the one that could have used further counseling
in regards of accepting her daughter, but the idea
would be totally rejected if he had suggested it.
"The best thing you could do for her is to encourage
her in her interests. She told me that she liked to
play baseball. Why don't you go out and watch her
play on occasion? That would demonstrate, in her mind,
that you accept her and are there for her."
"This is all fascinating, but how do we make her stop
wearing male clothes, get into fights, and roughing it
up? I don't want her to continue to play baseball; it
isn't very ladylike and it ruins her clothes," her
mother complained.
Twenty years ago he would have gotten out of his chair
and yelled at her for missing the point. That wasn't
the way to approach things. He was truly saddened that
she couldn't understand what she didn't want to know.
In a calm voice, he rephrased what he had said earlier.
"You *cannot* force her to stop being who she is. You
*can* encourage her gently to change. She is a strong
willed girl. The more you push her, the more she will
resist you."
She stood up from her seat. "Thank you, doctor." She
didn't need to add 'for nothing'; it was apparent in
her voice. She left the office in a huff.
"I apologize for her." Her husband blushed slightly.
"She really does want what is best for Haruka; we both
do."
"I can see that, Ten'ou-san. Do you understand the
distinction I have been making?"
He nodded. "I've been complimenting Haruka,
encouraging her, as you say. I have seen positive
results from it." A small smile crossed his lips.
"I know, Haruka told me about it. She does like
hearing your praise of her. That is the correct
approach to take. But you won't change her, not
to the degree that your wife desires, at least."
The office was much more comfortable now. He hadn't
realized just how tense he was around her mother.
Some people did have that effect on others through
their body language and voice. He again sympathized
for Haruka, who had to live with her.
"I know. Haruka is a strong girl underneath.
Personally, I don't want her to change. I love her
just the way she is."
That was sincerity. Ten'ou-san did want his daughter
to be happy. That was what concerned him the most.
The psychologist took in a deep breath. He debated
even pointing this out, but he felt that it may be
best to warn him, just in case.
"Ten'ou-san, has Haruka ever shown any interest in
boys?"
"Eh? Well, she plays with them constantly. And does
get in her share of fights with them."
He smiled to himself, that was the answer he was
expecting. "I mean, interest as in crush, love,
et cetera."
He thought about it. "Not that I've noticed, but isn't
she still a little young for that?"
He nodded to acknowledge his point. "Ten'ou-san, if it
never happens, please do not be disappointed."
Her father closed his eyes at his words. "I was afraid
that might be a possibility. Doctor, I believe that
there is someone out there who will love her and that
she will love in return. I believe that there is
someone out there for each of us. A soul mate."
"That's an idealistic view." He thought about it some.
"Make sure that you instill this belief in Haruka. It
will encourage her to keep looking. Or not to run in
fear if it comes looking for her." He smiled
sheepishly.
"Yes, that would be a problem, wouldn't it?" He
chuckled lightly. "Thank you, doctor."
^^^^^
Her father was the first to return from the counselor's
office. "Your mother had some things to finish up at
work," he explained when he saw her expectant look.
"Of course," she mumbled to herself. Her mother
*always* had work to do at her office. She was never
around. Not that it terribly bothered her, since she
was the one that made her life difficult, but it
would be nice to see her once in a while.
"Haruka," her father called her to him. He pulled her
onto his lap. She snuggled against him before getting
comfortable. They were about to have a talk. She had
come to know what was about to happen when he got that
look on his face and brought her onto his lap.
"There has been a lot of discussion about you going on
lately. What do you think?"
She didn't expect him to actually want her opinion on
this whole thing. "Well, Father, I think -- no, I
know -- that I don't like being forced to do the things
that Mother wants me too. I like to play baseball and
hang around with the boys. Playing the piano is okay,
but it's not nearly as much fun.
"I -- I just don't feel like playing with the other
girls. I don't like their dolls or clothes or dreaming
of who they are going to marry. It's all a waste of
time. I would rather go play then wait for them to come
up with something exciting to do."
He said nothing.
After waiting several moments for him to reply, she
lifted her head from his chest to look at him. He had
that look to him that occurred whenever he was thinking
about something.
"I know that it will be difficult, Ruka-chan, but I ask
you to please be patient and try to make your mother
happy. She is very set in her opinions of what your
behavior should be. I would rather that you be
yourself." He sighed slightly. "I will try to soften
the load on you, but I am afraid that the piano
lessons will continue. I won't always be able to help
you when she tries to force you in the direction that
she wants.
"You have grown so much." He hugged her. "And you
still have years of growth ahead of you. It will be
difficult, but I believe in you. I know at you are a
very talented, intelligent, and special girl."
She had hoped that he would be able to get her out of
the piano lessons, but she understood that he couldn't.
It gladdened her that he was being so honest with her.
Of course, her father was honest with everyone, but he
didn't need to tell her anything if he didn't want to.
"Thank you, Father." She hugged him once more before
crawling out of his lap. "I want to go outside and
play, is that alright?"
"Change first and you may," he smiled at her.
She grinned widely and ran to her room to change. He
loved her, there was no doubt of that. It distressed
him that there was a conflict between the two women he
loved. They were identical personality wise, though
they would both deny it. Stubborn. Easily angered.
Intelligent.
He? He was a simple baker. But they... they reached
for the stars and would use any means necessary to get
there. His wife had with getting her office, that had
always been her dream. Already he could see that
Haruka would be the same way. He saw it in her
posture, her speech, the way she interacted with others.
He didn't need the psychologist to tell him to expect
great things from her. He already did.
-----
Haruka sped along the freeway. She leaned low to her
bike and enjoyed the feel of her leathers being
pressed against her. This is what she wanted: to go
fast.
It had taken her a while to come to that decision.
Her discovery of speed had come more or less by
accident. She remembered the occasion well. She had
been ten at the time. Her family was going to visit
the family graves in a nearby district. Her father
had decided to indulge one of her curiosities and
take the bullet train en route.
The sight of the scenery flashing past her had
captivated her imagination. To be in command of such
speed, to feel the winds pressing against her, that's
what she longed for.
She smiled as she remembered telling her honorable
ancestors about her trip there. Fortunately, her
parents had been cleaning the headstones of other
deceased when she was talking to a grandfather that
she had been fond of when he was still amongst the
living.
The winds had played havoc with her hair that day. She
was determined to have her revenge by taming the winds.
They would either bend to her ways or she would become
one with them; she didn't care which.
She reached her destination: Mugen Gakuen. She needed
uniforms and her books.
It hadn't taken her long to get people moving in the
direction that she wanted. A few crisp words here, a
slight glare there, and she had them jumping to fulfill
her requests. Of course, she requested the male
uniforms, despite the protested that accompanied it.
She sat with one of the office girls, checking over her
papers. "Ah, I see that you wished to participate in
track and field. What events do you compete in?"
"100M dash is my best event, though I do run the longer
distances." She leaned back in her chair and tried to
look comfortable. It was a challenge with these seats,
but she was managing.
"'100M dash.' I'll inform the coach, and he will
contact you about the team," she said.
"What about the baseball team?" She cocked her head
slightly. It was all an act for her. She had long ago
mastered how to get what she wanted out of people
through intimidation or manipulation.
"I'm sorry, it's only open to males," she blushed.
Haruka's eyes slid across the room, taking in all
around her. She returned her gaze to the still
blushing girl. "You're certain." Her voice was
carefully pitched low and mellow.
"Ah, quite certain," she held firm to her ground.
Haruka decided that she didn't want to go through the
effort today. She nodded slightly in acceptance. She
held back a smile at the girl unconsciously let out her
breath.
A lad came up with a slip in hand. "Ten'ou Haruka?
Here is your uniform requisition slip and list of books
that you will need." He handed them to her. She
checked over it quickly to make sure it was all in
order.
"Thank you." She pulled out a schedule of classes that
she had received earlier. Yes, this would work out
nicely with her racing obligations. Noting that, she
left the office to wander around the school a bit.
It was an impressive campus. Overwhelming. Haruka
wasn't moved by its enormity. She had gotten over
being impressed with things long ago. It was a cold
attitude, but it saved time if you weren't wide-eyed
over something. More efficient.
She found the track and field coaches' office. He was
thrilled with having her on the team. All of her
physicals had indicated that she would be a strong
runner. Plus her reputation from her pervious school
had proceeded her.
They discussed track for at least an hour before she
decided to finish her business here. In their
conversation, it had come out the Mugen Gakuen lacked
track facilities of its own. Like most of the high
schools in the area, it shared a community recreational
facility.
'I guess this school doesn't have everything,' she
commented to herself. They certainly came close
though.
She sighed. School began Monday, and she wasn't looking
forward to it. Maybe it was just the usual student
complaints, but she just didn't feel like it.
She had promised her parents that she would finish
school. That promise was the only thing keeping her
in. At 16, she was quite independent. She had to be.
Her life at home had taught her independence through
neglect.
It hadn't been her father. He tried to be there as
much as he could, but running the bakery was a full
time job plus. It was her mother. Her mother, her
greatest opposition, crusher of her dreams, bringer of
hell's fury. Damn, she hated that woman sometimes. It
was her mother who had ignored her, left her to learn
on her own, discouraged her.
Oh, she tried to hide it. But it was there, none the
less. No matter how much she professed her joy in her
accomplishments, the underlying disappointment would
always be there. She wasn't what her mother had
wanted, and she knew it.
'You could have tried loving me for who I am,' she
mumbled to herself as she strapped a sack with her
books and uniforms onto her bike. It was time to
return to her new home.
-----
Haruka laid on back on her bed. It was hours past her
bedtime, but she wasn't sleepy. She had been spent the
last two hours listening to her parents discuss her.
They had gone to bed, but she was still mulling over
their words.
Someday, they may figure out that she could hear them
all these many times. It would be too late. She knew
their intentions. She knew their feelings towards her.
It ripped at her very soul.
'Dear, you need to demonstrate to her that you support
who she is,' her father had explained.
'Why would I do that? I *don't* support who she is.
I want her to be a lady. That,' the word was spat in
disgust. Haruka's heart chilled, 'is *not* a lady!'
'How can you be so cold towards her? She's our
daughter.' His voice held a note of disapproval.
Haruka had heard it a time or two -- or more -- when
she had misbehaved.
'She's *your* daughter. Any daughter of mine wouldn't
have turned out to be such a boy.' Her words cut Haruka
like a knife.
She was weeping silently at this point. Subconsciously,
perversely, she had wanted to win her mother's approval.
She realized now that she would never accomplish that
goal. Not as who she was now.
Haruka buried her head under her pillow and tried not
to hear any more of her mother's words. She couldn't
evade them all, not when she raised her voice. Tomboy.
Freak. Abomination. Disappointment. Failure. All
these things weighed on her heavier than lead. They
weighed down her spirit, her will to do well, her
will to live...
Her father said nothing. He listened, as he always
did, to everything she had to say before answering her.
His answer was a mellow one. She couldn't hear exactly
what he had to say, but it wasn't what her mother
wanted to hear from the explosive outburst that
followed.
"Why won't you leave me alone then?" She asked the
wall. "I didn't want things to turn out this way. You
wouldn't compromise. You didn't want to reason. It
was going to be your way or nothing, and I wouldn't
play for any less."
She whimpered at the pain in her head. It was a
psychological hurt. A fatal blow to her feminine
desires. She killed them as surely as amputating her
own arm. She didn't want them and would live without
them to spite *her* if nothing else.
She didn't have a mother.
-----
*****
Haruka zipped up her fire suit. She smiled slightly at
her appearance. This suit was certainly different than
the one she had worn for her first race. That one had
been an oversized, worn, spare suit that she had been
lent when she did test driving for the mechanics.
The one she had now was hers alone. It fit her like a
glove. Sewn to accommodate her height and still not
reveal her femininity. It was a blazing red with
'Ten'ou' across the back and 'Haruka' on her shoulder.
All of the sponsors logos were sewn on it in the
appropriate places... With even more sponsors wishing
she were larger so that their was room for their logos
as well.
She grinned at that thought. If they only knew that
they all fought to sponsor a girl...
She walked from the garage out to the pits and her
car. The mechanics were doing their last minute
tweaking on it.
"Ten'ou-san!"
"Win, win!"
"Kick butt, Ten'ou-san!"
She heard their cheers, but ignored them. She didn't
do this for them. She raced for herself. The fact
that they enjoyed her performances was amusing, but
meant very little to her.
"Ten'ou-san, we love you!" She turned to look at the
two girls who had called that out. They were at the
bottom of the stands, near the fence, as close to her
as they could get.
"Do you?" She mumbled to herself. They couldn't love
her. No one loved her, not even her parents. She was
an idol to them, an image.
She returned her attention to her preparations.
"Haruka," Yamagata drew her attention to him. He often
reminded her of her father. In several ways, he was
like a second father to her.
"Yes, Yamagata-san?" She walked over to him near the
tool chest.
He nodded to the people in the stands. "You see them,
Haruka? Those people are here for *you*. They didn't
come here to see my withered old ass work on a car.
They came to see you drive that car and blow the rest
of the competition off of the track with another
astounding victory."
He glanced at her sideways before nodding to them again.
"You should appreciate the compliment they pay you. Not
everyone has your talent. Live it up while you can,
some day you'll be the withered old one working on the
car wishing the cheers were for you again."
"I'm sorry, Yamagata-san." She truly was. She never
realized that he felt this way.
"For what, child, my being old? I've had my day. Go
out now and enjoy yours." He smiled at her.
"I will." She returned his smile.
"One other thing, Haruka. I've noticed that you've
been moody lately, ever since you moved. Is there
anything that you would like to talk about? Problems
with your new home?"
She blanched slightly. "Er-, no, no problems with my
new home. Everything is fine. It's just, um, my time
of the month. That's all, my time of the month. I'll
get over it soon." She smiled at him lopsidedly.
"Well, I've got a race to win," she said jauntily
before walking off.
"Haruka," he called to her back. "You're lying to me!"
"I know." She waved at him before putting her helmet
on and getting into her car.
"Silly girl," he worked on putting his tools away. "We
had your time of the month figured out years ago. It's
marked on the calendar of my office if you never
noticed."
She probably had and changed it somehow just to be
difficult. Evil child. Having a female on the team,
even a masculine one, has been interesting. He would
have never figured on it happening. Upon reflection,
he decided that he enjoyed it. Haruka made life an
adventure no matter where she was.
-----
For the past two years, she had been going down to the
race track during her free time. At first, they had
thought her a pest or just a kid. She didn't let that
stop her. She ingratiated herself with the mechanics
by fetching their tools and being a go-for.
Eventually, they accepted her as a sort of mascot.
They let her into the pits during races and taught her
all about cars while they were working. She got what
she truly wanted when the head mechanic and part team
owner, Yamagata, taught her how to drive.
God, it was beautiful. She reveled in the feel of the
speed. She wanted it to be a part of her. Nothing
could well enough describe the joy she felt when she
was driving.
Her mother hadn't exactly approved of her speeding
about. Her father hadn't either, but he didn't gripe
about it like she did. All he asked was that she be
careful. He knew her to be smarter than that, it was
her life on the line. She wouldn't take foolish risks.
She enjoyed sharing with him what she new things she
learned at the track. She would come home with all
sorts of tidbits about engine performance, race
standings, and other such gossip. He would always
listen to her and encourage her. She loved him for
that.
She didn't talk about the track around her mother. Her
mother didn't want to hear it. She wasn't interested
in her or her hobbies. Haruka had stopped trying to
coax her into her interests. Her father provided the
outlet that she needed.
Today was the day that it all was paying off for her.
The years of work and dedication yielded their first
results today. Surely her parents couldn't complain
with about her obsession with the track after this!
"Father!" She called out while opening the door to
the apartment.
"Ruka-chan?" His voice answered from the kitchen.
"Father!" She ran into the kitchen to greet him. It
had been an exciting day at the track.
He stopped cooking dinner to stare. She grinned
lopsidedly at what a sight she must have been. Her
father just stood there with the prongs held in midair.
"I hope there is a good story to go along with the new
haircut, Ruka-chan." He turned off the heat and put
his utensils down. He walked over to her and stroked
his hand through her now short hair.
She told him about how she filled in for the charity
race and all the dramatics of getting to race for real.
She told him about the thrill of winning, even though
it was second place. He listened politely to it all
until he heard the reason why she cut her hair.
"You wanted to look like a boy?" His voice was mellow.
She stopped grinning proudly. "Yes, Father."
He sighed. She didn't think it was because of her,
probably because of something he did she figured. He
pulled her into a tight embrace.
"Ruka-chan, I am proud of you for winning second place
today. I am happy that you have found something that
you truly enjoy doing. But no matter what, I want you
to remember that you will always be my little girl."
She knew there had to be a deeper meaning to his words.
What it could be eluded her. She tucked them away for
later.
He took her to a local barbershop and got her hair
trimmed properly before her mother came home. Haruka
liked her new look personally. She couldn't help but
touch the newly shaven hairs on the back of her neck.
It was an odd sensation to have them poke her hand.
When her mother came home later that evening, she was
outraged at her new haircut. Haruka had tried to
hedge on why, but her father kept her honest. The look
on her mother's face could have frozen the heart of the
most fiery person.
Haruka wanted to run, she wanted to hide from that
anger. It was her hair and she had to live with it,
not her. Her mother didn't see it that way. Nor did
she really care that Haruka was risking her life going
fast, that point was lost. The fact that she didn't
want to look like a girl was what her mother was stuck
on.
Her father sent her to bed without dinner that evening.
It wasn't to punish her, she was certain, but to
appease her mother.
Lying on her bed, she thought about what her father had
said earlier.
'...will always be my little girl."
What did he mean by that? She fell asleep puzzling
over it.
-----
Haruka paused in putting on her helmet as the memory
flashed back to her. It had only taken a moment's
inspiration, a moment's insight, and she knew what she
had missed that day.
'Little girl...' He didn't mean it quite like that,
as though she would always be a child. That's what
she had thought before. No, he meant it as though
she would always be his daughter, no matter what she
did.
The sudden realization heartened her. She smiled and
put her helmet on firmly. This was what she wanted to
do with her life. This was her dream. The winds were
her companion as she challenged them for supremacy.
He supported her dream.
The victory was hers once again today. She had to work
some for it. A new rookie had gotten himself a fast
car, but lacked the finesse to use it properly. He had
been reckless, nearly crashing some of the other cars
behind him.
He had nearly taken her out in the last few laps, but
she was better than him. Skillfully, she dodged his
repeated attempts to 'nudge' her out of the way. It
was poor sportsmanship to purposefully knock other
cars. She would remember to file an official complaint
on Monday along with the others.
She smiled. Some of the others were hot-headed enough
to not wait 'til Monday to let their grievances be
heard. They would take it into their own hands. She
was that way as well in most things except the track.
She needed a cool, calm head to drive at these speeds.
It was too dangerous to do otherwise.
The race won, she got out of her car and waved jauntily
to the crowds cheering for her. Yamagata was right.
She had been rather moody lately. She needed to enjoy
these times while she still had them.
The crowds continued to roar for her, even after the
presentation of the trophies. She smiled and waved
and acted as the sponsors surely expected her too.
Winning was only icing on the cake of her dream. This
all was added sugar. She wanted to go fast, and she
had accomplished that.
These were her happiest moments.
*****
"Welcome, everyone, to a new school year," their
instructor greeted the class.
Haruka sighed on the inside. 'Look at what you've
gotten yourself into,' she chided herself. It couldn't
be helped. She did have to go to school, but she could
have chosen to move anywhere in Tokyo. Why did she
chose the Delta District?
She didn't know the answer. It just *drew* her to it.
That was really the best way to describe it. 'At least
it's close to Juuban,' she conceded. Juuban was a nice
district, upscale, and had some nice places to shop.
She leaned back in her chair, bored. The instructor
was having them all stand, introduce themselves, and
say it bit. She wasn't paying attention to what
anyone else was saying. She really didn't expect to
be friends with any of them, so why bother?
It came around to be her turn. She stood up and put
on her most charming smile. "Ten'ou Haruka. I just
moved to this area. I enjoy driving around in my car,"
she sat down. She realized that was a lame
introduction, but she didn't care. Let them take the
hint and leave her be.
"Ten'ou-san... isn't he so handsome?" She heard from
somewhere behind her.
Giggles answered the comment.
Haruka resisted the urge to laugh out loud at them.
Weren't they in for a surprise when they figured it
out? She wouldn't string them along for too long if
any of them did become brave enough to approach her.
It was a mild source of amusement at least.
'Dammit, I do make a better guy than girl,' she
laughed under her breath at the thought. God had been
playing a cruel joke by putting her in a female body.
She didn't care though. The body didn't matter, it
was the personality, the person, that did. Never
would she betray that to appease some other.
-----
Her break into racing had been a big one. All she
could have wished for and more was granted to her. Oh,
she would certainly be allowed to race again, she had
sponsors now. The representative for the sponsors,
Takashi, had been quick in his signing her to the team
roster once she had proven herself to him.
This brought several changes into her life. One was
her spending a lot more time at the track than she had
been to begin with. This didn't seem to affect her
family much since her mother didn't care to see her
and her father had his growing chain of bakeries.
It also brought wealth into her life. Her family was
a middle class one. Her father a hard working man.
Already in her short 15 years of life, she was
wealthier than him.
He didn't seem to mind this. He worked for his own
goals and encouraged her to do the same. Still, she
thought back to that conversation they had years ago
about her taking over the bakeries. It wasn't her
dream, but she did want a part of it.
She convinced him into entering a partnership with her.
She hired more people to run the bakeries and expanded
the catering business he was working to get off the
ground. The flux of cash she brought into the
operation was already showing its effects at the
increase of business the operations were performing.
Haruka had considered her next move long and hard. It
was a gesture of peace between her and her mother. She
really didn't want to fight with her the rest of her
life, and she needed someway to endear herself.
She found a small house on the outskirts, in an area
her parents had always talked about moving to if they
had the money, and bought it. It had taken some
convincing, but she got them to move into it by stating
that she needed them to 'house sit' it for her.
Her father was grateful for her generosity. He could
tell her motives, she was sure. Her mother had been
weary of them.
'Why are you doing this?' Her mother had asked.
'Because I love you,' she answered simply. Her feeling
for her mother fluctuated so much that she really
wasn't sure how she felt. She knew that she should
love her, so that is what she said.
'Are you trying to rub the fact that you are successful
in my face?' She narrowed her eyes some. 'I've been
the only opposition you've had...'
Haruka tossed the keys to the house to her. 'The only
competition I've ever had is myself.' She turned and
walked out of the apartment for the last time.
-----
Haruka sat on a bench alone eating her lunch. She felt
that she was being watched. It didn't surprise her.
She had always drawn attention to herself whether she
wanted it or not.
She pretended to focus on her bento as she identified
the different girls watching her. Three over there,
yes, four by the fence, one leaned against that tree.
Haruka glanced over to her briefly. Their eyes met
for only a moment before she got up from the bench and
walked away.
'Something about that girl...' she fought to remember
if she had ever met her, but she didn't think she had.
Someone who frequented the track maybe? It could have
been. She didn't pay too much attention to those in
the stands.
No, that didn't seem right. That girl didn't look
to be the type that would frequent a race track.
Where did she know her from? Usually she wasn't so
dense, but she really couldn't recall. 'It will come
to me eventually,' she told herself reassuringly.
Physical Ed was her next class. Haruka walked into
The locker room and began to undress. She didn't
notice the whispering around her until she had her
blazer off and hung in her locker.
Every set of eyes in the room were glued to her.
"What?" She asked irritably.
"Ten'ou-san?" The girl nearest her asked. "The
boys' locker room is over there," she pointed.
Haruka glared at her. "Why would I care?" She
undid her slacks and pulled them down. Most of the
girls had let out small exclamations and turned away.
"You shave your legs, Ten'ou-san?!?" The girl asked.
"Of course I do!" She pulled up her shorts and put
her carefully folded pants into the locker with her
blazer.
The girls continued to stare at her. She stopped
unbuttoning her shirt to ask, "What's your problem?"
"You're so cool, Ten'ou-san," a girl from the next row
of lockers over called.
"For changing my clothes?" She mumbled. She shucked
the shirt off and hung it in the locker.
"You're wearing a sports bra, Ten'ou-san!" The girl
exclaimed.
"Because I'm a girl!" Haruka yelled at her. She
could almost feel the temperature in the room raise
at that admission.
The girl that had been speaking to her was a bright
red. The one that thought she was so cool had ducked
behind the lockers. Serves them right.
"I am Ten'ou Haruka, and I am a female." That should
take care of her female admirers for the moment. She
wouldn't figure on gossip in this school being
lethargic. By tomorrow she should be left in the peace
that she desired.
The other girls kept away from her during class.
Embarrassment, maybe, disgust at such a masculine
female, probably. Did it matter? Not really. She
was who she was. Often, that left her alone, but she
was used to that. She would rather stand on her own
than have to rely upon someone else's opinions of her.
*****
A month. She had been going to Mugen Gakuen for a
month, and girls still approached her. Either they
had really missed the point somewhere or gossip didn't
spread in this school like it did in most.
She had to brush off yet another admirer this afternoon
before coming out to the track. Couldn't they see that
she wasn't interested? The guys weren't interested in
her. They saw her as competition.
'Baka! I don't want your girlfriends.' She didn't
want any sort of close companionship. Relationships
only meant exposure and eventual hurt. She wouldn't
stand for that. Better not to love than to have
loved and gotten hurt.
She drove to the community track they held their meets
at. It wasn't the first one of the year, but it was an
important one for school rankings.
Haruka looked forward to it. She had discovered a
good opponent. Elza Gray was her name. She had come
to know her some. They maintained a friendly banter
of who was going to win this time. So far, it had
always been her, but it took her top efforts to
accomplish it.
Elza could be counted as the closest thing she had to
a friend. No one at the school was interested in her
friendship, not that she would give it to them. Elza
at least interested her as an opponent. It wasn't
much, but it was something. A weak common bond.
Haruka changed quickly in the locker room before
joining the rest of the team. She ran her warm ups
and did her stretches. The coach gave his
inspirational speech.
Finally, the meet began. Her event came up shortly.
Elza was assigned the lane next to her.
"I won't lose," Elza said to her.
The order to get ready was called. They knelt into
position. Muscles tightened in preparation,
spring-like, ready...
"GO!"
Haruka launched out of the starting blocks. Elza had
gotten out quicker than her. She bit back a curse
as she made her charge forward.
'I... will... win...,' she pumped her arms while
willing her legs to push her just a bit faster. She
was the wind personified. None could beat the winds...
She pulled past Elza to cross the line first. She
slowed her pace down by running a cool off lap. Elza
was right besides her.
Between gasps for breath she spoke. "You win again...
Ten'ou-san. But I will... catch you... someday." She
gave her a small smile.
"Perhaps," she allowed. Elza truly was an excellent
runner. She was just a bit better.
Haruka parted ways with her to go change into her
warm-ups. She had just finished packing her bag when
she heard her name being called from behind her. It
was Elza.
"Ten'ou-san, I'd like you to meet my friend Kaioh
Michiru," she introduced.
Haruka nodded politely to her. It was that girl she
couldn't place. She had some classes with her, she
thought. From what Haruka saw, she seemed to be a
fairly popular girl since there were always boys
longing after her. Haruka smiled slightly. She was
a cute girl...
'No, dumbass,' she scolded herself. 'That's how you
got in trouble the last time.' And indeed, it would
be the *last* time.
"I've been watching you, Ten'ou-san. I find you to be
quite interesting. I would like to do some sketches
of you." Michiru's voice was light.
It all rubbed her the wrong way. Everything about her
was gentle and sweet. Haruka found herself drawn to
this girl, but... No, dammit!
"I'm not interested." Haruka nodded to Elza, then
walked away.
-----
It was a mistake. God, she knew it was a mistake
before she even tried it, but she did anyways.
It has been last year. She was coming to discover
that she had feelings for another that she never
realized rested within her. At first, it had
frightened her. She didn't want to admit that she
could feel this way about another. Eventually, she
accepted that she did feel this way and decided to
do something about it.
'God, why did you make me like this?!' She had
pleaded afterwards.
By that time, it was too late. She had done it,
*done* it. Her upbringing should have stopped her.
Had she slept through all those years of church?
What the hell had she been thinking? She *knew*
better, but ignored it.
She had always been a straightforward girl. But
her usual tact deserted her this time. Instead of
carefully approaching anything like she usually
did, she had plunged in like the fool she was.
She told the other how she felt. How she had been
watching her, longing for her, dreamed of her. The
girl had been stunned. Her next move had been pure
brilliance on her part. When the girl didn't stop
her, she moved in to kiss her.
Haruka could still feel the sting from her hand across
her face. Nowadays, it was a sting to her pride that
reminded her of that day.
The girl's father soon learned of what had happened.
He had made it abundantly clear that Haruka was to
never approach his daughter again. Not that she would.
Somehow, no one learned of her transgression. Probably
because of the dishonor it would bring to the girls'
family if this was ever brought to light. Its being
tucked under the rug suited her just fine. Her mother
certainly didn't need to learn of this.
Haruka vowed that day to never love another. If she
couldn't find a man to satisfy her, and she knew she
never would, than she would go without.
Love was an ambrosia that she would never taste.
-----
Haruka woke up from her sleep. She combed her fingers
through her hair before turning on a lamp.
"Why are you in my dreams?" She asked of no one.
Michiru... why was she in her dreams? She had only
met her today. But it had been an oh, so sweet,
dream.
Haruka's heart raced whenever she thought of that brief
encounter with her. "Come on, baka, get it out of your
head. If you hadn't cared to noticed, half the school
is drooling over her. She has more suitors than
you'll ever have."
She got off her bed and walked into the bathroom. A
look in the mirror didn't do anything to make her
feel better.
"Perhaps she would be friends with me if I did model
for her..." Dumbshit! You wouldn't want to leave it
as 'just being friends, you're interested in more,
and she wouldn't be.
You had gotten lucky last time.
If she's going here, that means that her family's got
money. If her family's got money, they've got power.
Do you realize what that means? They could squish
your lil' white ass into paste if they wanted to.
And how do you think that would feel, eh? No more
racing for certain. No more life if they chose to
take things to an extreme.
Haruka shook herself. Don't be silly. She didn't
feel anything for the girl. It was just a dream.
Dreams were how a person's mind flushed, right?
It was just a fragment with her in it, that's all.
She washed her face off and toweled it dry. She was
making nothing into something. Flipping off the light,
she returned to bed.
It was nothing.
*****
Haruka sighed to herself. Now that she was sensitized
to Michiru, she saw her out of the corner of her eye
all of the time. It nearly ripped her apart to have
her so near and yet untouchable.
No, it was more than just a stupid dream. Haruka had
been warring with her conscience for the last several
nights over what to do about Michiru. Part of her
wanted to just admit how she felt. The smart part of
her told her to shut the hell up.
She ignored Michiru whenever she came near her. She
would have some important thing or another to do
whenever she tried to hold a conversation with her.
No matter how hard she tried to push Michiru away, she
would not take the hint.
'Why won't you give up?!' She wanted to scream in
frustration at her. 'I just want you to leave me
alone! Can't you tell that I don't like you? If you
continue to pursue me, I may not be able to control
myself.'
A week... two weeks... Haruka suffered. Around each
corner she saw her. Her dreams were haunted by her
slight smile. Each night she awoke to tell herself
what a fool she was being. She would build up the
courage to speak, and then it would dissolve to
nothingness when her senses reasserted themselves.
It was affecting everything she did.
-----
"Haruka!" Yamagata grabbed her by the collar and
physically pulled her from the car. "What the hell
were you thinking!" He sputtered angrily at her
newest escape from death. She could read the hurt
and concern in his eyes that fueled his anger.
She had barely avoided this accident. That damn
rookie had succeeded in nudging her. She had gotten
her car back under control. Instead of waiting for
him to be black flagged, she chased after him.
Coolly, calmly, she worked her way back up behind him.
It had only taken a little bump and he was spinning on
the infield.
Of course, the move had gotten her black flagged as
well. It was worth it. If even for a moment, she had
been able to focus all of her frustrations behind a
single motive.
"I'm sorry, Yamagata." She pulled off her helmet.
"Don't bulls--- me, girl!" He pulled her into the
garage, making sure they were alone before he spoke
again. "You've lost your focus. What's gotten into
you? This isn't like you, not like you at all."
"It's nothing," she mumbled.
"Well it can't be nothing if it's affecting your
driving. When are you going to trust me, Haruka?
Ever? I've tried to support you as much as I can.
Isn't that worth something?" His voice had thickened.
Her heart ached in shame at her mistreatment of her
friend.
"I'm sorry, Yamagata, I really am." She hugged him
briefly.
"I've -- God, how do I explain it? I think I'm in
love." She blushed slightly. "There, I've said it."
She leaned against a car and closed her eyes in
reflection.
"Lass..." he placed an arm around her. It was a
fatherly gesture, meant to reassure her. "It's okay.
These things take time to work themselves out."
"It will never work itself out." She kicked a bolt
that was near her toe.
"Come now, girl. All things have an end eventually.
I hope that things work out for you. But I want you
to promise me one thing. When you get behind the
wheel, I want you to leave your problems outside the
car, okay?"
She nodded. It was sound advice. Foolish of her to
have even let this get to her. She needed to accept
that she would never have Michiru and get on with her
life.
"Thank you." She hugged the wizened mechanic.
-----
*****
"Shimatta!" Haruka's heart beat at a quickened rate.
She flipped on the light and walked into the bathroom.
Turning on the faucet, she splashed cold water onto
her face. This latest dream had Michiru in it, but
it wasn't a pleasant dream like the others.
It was horrible. Michiru was dressed in some sort of
short school uniform, but it wasn't a school uniform.
There was more to it. Dammit! No, no, it was
something more important than that. She was floating
in the air above her.
The world around her had been a wasteland. The sky
was red. The building were shambles. They weren't
just miscellaneous buildings either, she could name
them; they were real. It was silent, as though she
was the only one left alive in this God forsaken
place.
Michiru, she was there, like a savior, watching her,
calling to her. This was so frustrating.
Haruka tried to shake the dream from her mind. It was
just a stupid nightmare. She had plenty of them while
growing up.
But this one felt different...
No! You're just being stupid again!
Haruka scrubbed her face once more before turning off
the water.
She needed some rest. She needed to get this all
figured out. 'God, why do you enjoy teasing me?' she
whispered as she turned off the lights to go back to
sleep.
*****
A cruise ship. Why the hell did she have to be on a
stinkin' cruise ship to represent the sponsor? They
had plenty of other people to do it. But, no, they
wanted her. Why? Who knew. Probably just got this
wild idea to ruin her weekend.
She sighed. Taking in a deep breath and letting it
out again helped to calm her. Too much stress as of
late. She needed a vacation, but where would she go?
Oh well...
The waiter brought her the drink she had ordered. She
was sitting alone at a table in the middle of the large
room. She wasn't quite certain what she was to be
accomplishing except to be visible. If that's all she
needed to do, than she would sit here all night, and
sip on her drink.
She didn't notice her at first, for she was busy
sulking in her own thoughts.
'Michi-- Michiru,' she stumbled over the thought.
This was *not* happening to her. Stay calm, Haruka,
remember, pretend disinterest. Pretty hard to do when
the object you were trying to ignore was the one thing
you wanted the most. 'She plays so well...'
At a nearby table, a couple discussed Michiru. Her
skill was well known and her looks captivating.
'Shut up,' she willed.
It finally got to her. She rose from the table to go
for a walk. She walked about a bit. A painting caught
her eye. 'My nightmare...' The image twisted in her
mind. 'This is it.'
"You're very famous," a sweet voice said from below
her on the stairs. Haruka looked down to see Michiru
sitting on the landing. "There is someone who would
like to ride with you in your car."
Haruka's heart stopped. 'God, strike me down now!'
she plead. 'I didn't hear that.' Not from her. She's
playing with you, teasing you, trying to make a fool
of you like everyone else does.
Haruka turned her attention back to the painting. She
read the placard: 'Kaioh Michiru: End of the World.'
Did she have the same nightmares as her? "How is it
that a gentle girl like you could paint something so
violent?"
Michiru had a small smile on her lips. Haruka's heart
pounded at the sight of it. "It isn't my imagination.
This is my destiny... like yours."
Haruka looked at her stunned. Shit, how she longed to
rip her heart out of her chest and fling it away from
her. She snorted. Like she had any sort of future
with Michiru.
But still, a part of her believed...
"Nonsense! The only thing that I am interested in is
racing. If this is the future, than you deal with it
because I don't want to. Will you please stop
investigating me, there's nothing to know."
What had she done! No, she did what was best. It hurt
her, but Michiru was disrupting her life. Destiny
indeed! She didn't believe in such foolishness. A
person made their own future, it wasn't preordained.
Michiru's eyes grew cold. Her lips tightened in
response to her anger. "Do you think that *I* want
to deal with it?" she hissed. "I want life to be
like a happy little fairy tale, but it isn't. You
think I don't have my own dreams? I want to play
the violin. That is what interests me."
They watched each other for several long moments.
Haruka finally broke eye contact. "Stay out of my
life, Kaioh Michiru." She stormed off.
*****
Haruka leaned her head against the wall behind her.
The lights to her apartment were off. In the
darkened silence she asked, "Where did I go wrong?"
"Birth, my first mistake was being born," she laughed.
Well, she couldn't help that one.
She was alone, as usual, in her apartment curled up in
her thinking spot. The city was beautiful this time
of night. Even at this late hour the lights shone
bright, lighting a pattern for her to study.
To say her life sucked would be putting it too mildly.
What did she have to show for 16 miserable years of
existence? Family? She had broken her bonds with
them. Friends? She hadn't bothered to make any.
Racing? Well, she did have that. In the end she did
have her dream.
Then why wasn't she happy? She would give up anything
to have her dream. What was missing that she didn't
have?
Money? Fame? Success? Love--
She didn't have love, but she didn't need that.
Or did she?
She didn't know anymore.
'Well, let's look at it then,' she decided. Michiru,
she was her problem. She had done a fine job of
telling her to go screw herself earlier this evening.
Even if Michiru could have possibly loved her, she
wouldn't after that.
Then what was her problem? Everything should be happy
now that she's gotten her out of the way.
She put her chin onto her knees.
What if Michiru was right? What if that horrible
place in her nightmare is going to be the world
someday? They can do something about it, she was
certain of that. It eluded her as to what, but there
was always room to maneuver.
Haruka's thoughts drifted back to Michiru. 'I can't
help it, I love her. I know I shouldn't, but I do'.
Again she cursed God for giving her these feelings.
It made her feel disloyal to the faith she had grown
up in to be betraying it in this way.
She got up from the window sill to go to her bedroom.
Opening a small wooden case, she pulled out the cross
from her grandfather. "I don't deserve to have this.
I'm not faithful. I'm a bad person and I don't see
myself changing."
Haruka brought it back with her to the window sill.
She let it dangle on its chain before her. The lights
from the city played off it, flashing various colors
about the room.
"If you are a merciful God, then you'll relieve me of
my suffering. I'm not good enough to join you, but at
least allow me the release of death. There's nothing
here I can do for you. Just let me go..."
She held the cross firmly in her hand. Tears ran
silently down her cheeks. The truth of her words
frightened her.
What did she have? Racing? There were plenty of
talented rookies that could easily replace her.
Family? They had disowned her. Friends? She had
none. Her death would be a welcome end to a
meaningless life.
"God," she begged, "end my suffering."
*****
"You have reached the phone of Ten'ou Haruka. I am
gone at the moment. Please leave a message at the
tone." The tone sounded. Haruka looked over at the
machine in mild disinterest.
"Haruka! Where are you? Dammit, girl! You're going
to be the death of me, I'm sure of it. Fine, don't
pick up the phone. I don't give a rat's ass 'cause
I'm coming over there," Yamagata's voice barked to
the machine.
"You don't know the address," she mumbled.
"I've got your address. And don't think of hiding
behind a locked door. I'm sure I have a tool that can
get me through your locks." The phone at the other
end was hung up with a slam.
Haruka heaved a sigh before getting up from the window
sill. She went into the kitchen and put a kettle of
water onto the stove to warm.
She hadn't gone to school the day after the cruise.
Nor had she the day after that, or the next. She
hadn't been by the track either. The last several
days had been spent looking out the window
contemplating her lot in life.
She wasn't in the mood for visitors. All she wanted
was to recess back into her own mind and be left alone.
Shit, Yamagata will drag her off to the doctor or
something if he saw her like this. She hadn't
showered in three days. Her usually soft sandy blonde
hair had darkened considerably with the oils in it.
She scrawled out a quick note to put on the door that
said to come in and make a cup of tea. That done, she
motivated herself to the shower.
The hot waters helped to waken her from her semi-
lethargic state. She toweled her hair off and
changed into slacks and a dress shirt. It wouldn't do
to be too informal, even around Yamagata.
She poked her head out of her room when she heard a
noise from the kitchen. He must have gotten here fast.
"Will you make me a cup as well?" she called out before
going back to her dressing.
A comb was pulled through her hair. She debated on
whether to wear a tie or not. Better safe than sorry,
she didn't want him to think anything was wrong.
She walked out of her room and to the kitchen. A cup
of tea sat on the counter for her. She picked it up
and carried it out to the living room where her guest
would be waiting.
"I'm glad to see you Yama-." She stopped short when a
head of sea green hair turned to look at her. She
swallowed the lump in her throat. "Michiru."
"Excuse me." She blushed. "The note on the door said
to come in." She set her cup onto a nearby coffee
table. Haruka came the rest of the way into the room.
"No, that's fine." She swallowed again before feigning
nonchalance. "So what brings you here?" She sat down
on the couch opposite the chair Michiru occupied.
Michiru blushed again.
'She's so pretty when she does that...'
"You haven't been to school for the past week, Haruka.
I was worried that you might be ill. You hadn't called
anyone to let them know of your condition. I inquired
the registrar as to what your address was and decided
to stop by and see if there was anything I could offer
you."
Haruka held back a gurgle of surprise at her phrasing
of that. "Eh, I'm fine as you can see. I just haven't
felt like going, that's all."
A small smile played on her lips. She looked away to
retrieve her tea from the coffee table. She took a sip
from the cup, her eyes mere slits over the rim of the
cup.
Her eyes could see into her soul, Haruka was certain.
She suddenly felt very warm around the collar.
"You're lying to me, Ten'ou Haruka," she said slowly.
Haruka got defensive at having her bluff called.
"So?" She sneered. Why did she have to answer to
her? Michiru wasn't her mother. Well, like she ever
answered to her mother either.
"Don't you think it's about time we start being honest
with each other?"
"I have nothing to be honest with you about. I made
my feelings clear the other night." She put her arms
across her chest. Her eyes narrowed as she glared at
the girl. 'Please just leave me,' she begged on the
inside. If she wouldn't take the hint gently, she
would shove it down her throat.
Michiru looked down at her lap. She nodded and rose
out of the chair.
Haruka let out a sigh of relief at her leaving. Now
she only had to take care of Yamagata and she'd be set.
But Michiru didn't leave. She moved over onto the
couch and seated herself next to her. Haruka tried
to keep up the pissed look while her heart raced.
"You're right." Her voice was mellow now, almost a
purr. "For now, we have nothing else to discuss."
Tentatively at first, she traced a finger along her
jaw line. Haruka's heart wanted to leap out her chest.
She could feel her veins pulsing under her skin.
Michiru's light touch sent shivers down her spine that
made her want to urinate right there.
She brought her face close to hers. Now Michiru's
entire hand was lightly placed on her cheek. She
gazed into her eyes. Haruka didn't know what she saw
there, but she could guess. Fear probably would be a
good start.
Michiru chuckled at her. "'Distant'. You don't need
to live up to your name," she smiled kindly. "Why are
you afraid? Isn't this what you wanted?"
"This is just another damn dream." Her voice was
dangerously low.
"A dream? Then do you want to wake up?" Michiru
closed her eyes and pushed herself to meet her lips.
"NO!" Haruka bolted off of the couch and ran to her
room. She closed the door behind her. Flinging
herself on the bed, she curled up into a ball and
cried.
It has to be a dream! Nothing in the world is this
ideal. Love wasn't something she was meant to have.
She cried in frustration. Why couldn't she be happy?
A form joined her on the bed. Haruka was in no
condition to fight back as she was pulled into a
supportive hug. She was tired of fighting those
around her. She was tired of fighting herself.
"Why won't you leave me alone? All I want is to be
alone," she sobbed into Michiru's skirts.
Michiru didn't answer her. Instead, she combed her
fingers through her still slightly wet hair. They
remained like that for at least a half hour before
she had finally exhausted her tears. She was tired
mentally and physically.
"Michiru," she whispered.
"Hmm, Haruka?"
"Leave me alone. I'm no good. If I can't meet my own
expectations, how can I meet yours? I--" She fell
silent. Michiru stopped stroking her hair after a
moment of waiting.
Michiru bent over the woman in her lap. Her breath
tickled her ear as she whispered her name. "Haruka?"
Haruka lifted herself off of Michiru's lap. She leaned
back against the wall the bed was shoved up to. She
visibly swallowed before speaking again. "Michiru...
I-- I can't love you. It's not right, it's--"
Michiru placed a finger tip on her lips to silence her.
"And since when has Ten'ou Haruka cared about what
others allowed her? You race, is that not open to only
men? You wear the male's uniform while defiantly
telling the rest of the school to 'go to hell'." She
giggled some at that. Haruka managed a weak smile.
That was part of one of her ill timed outbursts while
speaking with the school's counselor.
"Answer me this, Ten'ou Haruka, why are you crying?"
Haruka looked off out the window. "I want to be alone,
and you won't allow me that."
"You're lying again," she chided mildly.
"I am not--" Michiru held up a hand to stop her.
"Haruka." Her tone made her fall silent. "You've been
alone for the last several days. Have you enjoyed it?
Was it bliss for you?" Her tone was scolding.
"I think the problem is that you have spent too much
of your life alone." She stroked her fingers through
her hair again. "All those years of never being
understood by anyone. Standing alone because no one
will support what they can't understand."
"What do you know of my past?" she asked skeptically.
It was something that she didn't share with anyone,
not even Yamagata.
"I know more about you than you do. I have been
watching you, learning about you. I want to be the
one that supports you, Haruka."
"I don't need your sympathy."
"Is that what you think it is?" She did smile this
time. "You are just as stubborn as I have been told.
Sympathy doesn't play into it."
Michiru gathered the unresisting Haruka in her arms.
She pulled the larger girl to her and leaned her up
against her body.
Haruka watched her. Her anger and skepticism were
melting away. "Why won't you leave me alone?" She
nearly whimpered.
Michiru smiled at her, holding her chin cupped in her
soft hand. Michiru locked eyes with her so that she
could not look away. Haruka watched as Michiru neared
her.
"Because I love you, Ruka-chan," she pressed her lips
against her own. It was gentle at first, testing to
see if she would bolt again. When she didn't, Michiru
released her chin to place her hand behind her head.
The exhilaration of Michiru's touch released the fires
within that had been burning her. Michiru's eyes
never left her own as Haruka placed her arms around
the girl to hold her in a loose embrace.
Michiru drew out the kiss by gently biting on her lips.
Haruka closed her eyes as the sensations she were
experiencing finally overcame her. It was too much,
just too much for her to accept.
Michiru didn't flinched or pulled away as she drew
her deeper into herself. In a moment of weakness she
found what she had been lacking all of her life.
Others may have loved her, but none of them had ever
wanted to be her lover. The thought caused her to
pause briefly to smile before engaging Michiru again.
They broke free of each other after several moments of
being together.
Haruka let herself completely relax against Michiru.
"Michiru?"
"Hmm, Haruka?" she purred.
"Don't leave me alone."
Out in the living room, the phone rang. Haruka didn't
move to answer it. She had been ignoring it all week,
once more wouldn't matter.
"You have reached the phone of Ten'ou Haruka. I am
gone at the moment. Please leave a message at the
tone."
"Haruka, dammit! I'm still at the track, my car broke
down. You lucked out this time. But I had better see
you tomorrow, or I'll have the entire team on your
doorstep quicker than you can spit. You hear me?"
Yamagata yelled at someone in the background. The
phone was hung up at that point.
*****
Haruka pulled up to the garage in her sports car. She
got out of the driver's side and walked around to open
up the door for the passenger. Michiru nodded her
thanks to her as she got out of the car.
Haruka led her into the garage. She yelled over the
roar of the impact gun Yamagata was using.
"What?" He yelled in response and turned around. At
seeing her he stood up and wiped his hands off with a
shop towel.
"You said you wanted to see me?" She smiled cockily at
him. "This is my friend Kaioh Michiru-san," she
introduced.
"A pleasure to meet you." He bowed slightly. She was
a classy girl, the type that grease monkeys like him
could only dream of meeting in real life.
"I was wondering if it would be alright for me to take
her out onto the track and show her how to race?"
"Eh? You trust this rascal?" He grinned to show his
jest.
"Completely," Michiru answered in all honesty.
"Yeah, you can take her out. There should be a suit
in the lockers that will fit her. Hiyama, come help
this lady find a suit," he called out to the lad
nearby.
Hiyama took Michiru over to the lockers while he
pulled Haruka into his office for a talk.
"Yamagata, I don't want to leave Michiru --" she began
to protest.
"She'll be fine girl. You can trust Hiyama." He
looked at her. His wrinkled face didn't reveal what
he was thinking. "So she's the one?"
Haruka cocked her head in confusion. "What?"
"You've never brought any of your friends to the track
before. Is she the one you have been thinking about?
The one you're in love with?"
"Yama--" she tried to explain.
"Dammit, girl, I'm not scolding you! So she is the
one. I figured as much." He crossed his arms and lean
against his desk thinking.
"What are you talking about?" Haruka crossed her arms
as well. She noticed what she was doing and put her
arms at her sides.
He laughed at her, but not because of her actions.
"You've spent all this time trying to figure it out,
haven't you? Haruka, I realized that your tastes were
different after I had thrown half the racing circuit
at you to no avail."
"And you're not repulsed by it?"
"I can't say that it's my preference," he sighed.
"But it would help with the sponsors if they saw you
with your girlfriend. She is that, isn't she?" His
eyes narrowed.
Haruka nodded. "Yes, I love her very much, Yamagata."
"I can see that lass. I'll tell the boys to keep back.
Why don't you go show her what you do best?"
Haruka smiled at him. It was a heart warming smile.
Always before there was some hesitation, some sadness.
Now, now she had found someone that filled the void
within her. Someone who had closed the distance...
**********( End Distant )**********
Those of you who are familiar with Tim Nolan's works
can see that I have heavily borrowed from him. I have
done this with his permission.
Let me point out now what ideas I have borrowed from
him before continuing on to why: Haruka's father being
a baker. Her family being middle class and her raise
to wealth/popularity through racing. The head mechanic
being named 'Yamagata' and his allowing her to race.
Also, 'Takashi' as the sponsor's representative. Her
going to see a child psychologist and the ages for it,
the bullet train ride, and her break in racing.
Why? Well, because my introduction to the Outers was
through 'Awakenings' and I really loved it. I know
that they are his ideas, but they have influenced how
I see them and that is something that I would like to
continue in my own works. Tim has laid a firm
foundation for them that I cannot resist trying to
build upon. He is supportive of my efforts, and I'd
like to thank him for being so understanding and
allowing me to do this.
I did divert some from his ideals of Haruka's parents
attitude towards her. To be honest, I like Tim's
approach better, but it doesn't fit too well with my
story. Since (as far as I know) Haruka's family is
never mentioned anywhere, it's an open field for
exploration.
Some to materials I used in reference for this story
include: The lyrics to "Kazini Naritai" ("I Want to
Become the Wind"). The summary to episode 106 from
Hitoshi Doi. Watching S (mostly raw episodes). And,
of course, a printout of Tim's 'Awakenings 2' laid
beside my keyboard during my writing of this.
Little, nit-picky points:
In episode 106, Haruka's last name on her suit is
spelled 'Tenoh'. But, I prefer spelling it 'Ten'ou'
because it makes it more distinctive. Both are
correct spellings.
I diverted from the story of how they met at the end.
Oh well, I like my telling better any ways ^_^;
All characters are property of their respective
holders. (I'm sure you realize who's are who's :)
Thanks to Tim Nolan for the above mentioned reasons
and more. Jackie Chiang, who, with red pen in hand,
has generously given her time to check over this story
for errors. Lord Charon for suggestions and
encouragement. And you all for reading this ^_^
Greenbeans